Polyamory and cheating

I have posted a few times about polyamory and am an advocate of this lifestyle. However, I find that I am often approached by married or partnered men who want a “discrete” relationship on the side, usually with reasons along the lines of a “lack of understanding” or “emotional immaturity” on the part of the wife/girlfriend. When questioned, the men have not or are unwilling to discuss matters with their other halves. It amazes me how often these men describe themselves as “honest” and I often wonder if the emotional immaturity applies to them rather than the women involved.

Poly is perfectly compatible with marriage, with one strong provision; that both partners are aware and have given consent to sexual relationships outside of the marriage. Note also that I have specified sexual relationships, as in ongoing relationships. There is a difference between an open marriage/partnership where either partner can have casual sex with others and poly, where there is a sexual relationship with others.  

If one partner is not aware then it is not poly, it is cheating. Plain and simple. As a generalisation, I have found that people genuinely involved in long term poly arrangements value honesty in their partners. If someone is keeping a relationship “discrete” with their primary partner, then how can they be trusted in any other intimate relationship? A particular concern of mine would be sexual health but there would also be emotional ties involved.

So to those looking to cheat, “poly” is not a code word for individuals open to helping the cheater betray their partner. Poly is NOT an excuse to cheat, nor help anyone else to cheat, and I certainly would not want to contribute to the harm of the innocent partner let alone be involved with the cheater. Poly is about sharing your life with more than one individual at the same time. It is a positive relationship arrangement and should benefit all concerned. Please consider that if you think this might be a relationship choice you wish to make.