This morning I was offerend and accepted a new job of running a bio-imaging lab in the UK.
I am very happy about this in many respects. It is a really good opportunity and should be good for my career, moving it in a direction i have wanted for a number of years now. The research conducted at the institute looks to be exactly what i am interested in and the techniques are a comination of traditional and new, also something that I think is key. One of the most exciting aspects is the potential to address key biological issues, something that is not of as much emphasis in my current lab as most of the researchers here are not biologists.
But there are other things that make this very difficult. I moved to the USA to start a new life, and was successful in that respect. I kick started my career again and have made a lot of friends. I made a lot of mistakes as well and went through some really rough times, in my personal life and financially. I grieved for the loss of my marriage, had several relationships that went sour both at home and out here, and after hitting rock bottom slowly started to work my way out of the clinical depression that had been affecting me for several years. It was a very hard journey. But I got to a stable base, learned a hell of a lot about who I am and my strengths and weaknesses, and was starting to really settle down and explore different prospects. My Dom has just moved in with me after a difficult couple of years in a long distance relationship, and I have other relationships here that are very special to me. So there is a great deal of sorrow in this decision also, and it will cause me a lot of pain. I fear to lose the people I love and the reality is that I will probably lose contact with many of them. I am afraid of losing my Dom as well. He has expressed his support for me and will be moving back to the UK before too long as he has also come to the decision that he does not want to live in the US long term.
So I am again sacrificing personal life for career. And that hurts more than I can adequately express. But it will also be a move that allows me to have a personal life to a greater extent. Here, the emphasis is on work and only work. The people who know me have seen me burning out over the course of a few months and this has resulted in me being very sick just recently, the conjunctivitis just being the tip of the ice-berg. I know that I cannot continue with this stress and i know that my funding here is running out. The situation as it stands is that the funding situation in the US is very difficult so continuing post-doc research here is becoming harder. While the decision is during a time when I can still just about deal with it and still just about manage the 12-18 hour days, I know that this will be short lived.
So right now, I am elated and happy, at the same time as feeling sick at the prospect of saying goodbye to everyone and dealing with the international move again. Also feeling silly as I am sad that I have to sell and repurchase everything from scratch again. Not a good prospect. But that is relatively minor. It is, as it always is, down to the people in my life that I love and while I move back closer to family and some wonderful friends, I move away from my secondary and chosen families here. And that grief is hitting me pretty badly.
It is the bane of doing post-doc research that you have to move around a lot to make a career for yourself. It is rare that you can settle in any area for long. I don't see that this will change any time soon. i am getting out of that race now. I want to have a life where I don't have to face those painful decisions any more. Hopefully this opportunity will provide just that.
Skeptical kinkster musing on whatever takes my fancy!